Can we truly explain how we feel about the heartache of a breakup? I will describe how I felt here, but I just could not find the words.
No matter how long you have been counting those anniversaries together, the heart wrenching pull of the rug from under your feet has never felt so unsettling. One minute you are in a stable, loving relationship where nothing could feel more right, then 60 seconds later, the world has stopped and you can feel numbness radiating from your heart. Joy has left the building people.
‘A nice roast dinner will await you when you come home sweetheart’ he shouts as I blow a kiss back rushing out the door to work. Just a normal Monday, weekend a dull one, no money, no excitement but at least them arms would be waiting for me at the end of the day, holding me close, feeling all my worries drain away.
I said YES
The future became more substantive just a year earlier when that proposal arrived. Perfect and romantic. Time to start planning and getting ideas into place. A date was set, just needed funds to make it happen. No big church wedding for us, we wanted low-key and very private between us. Dress was decided and even the venue was picked.
You know that feeling when your best friend is just there for you? No matter what. That was him. When you know that you can not be whole without that person beside you? When happiness and comfort is all you need, but with your partner in crime smiling beside you? That was him. This is the human you want to have in your future forever. This is the human you know you were put on earth to meet. You would do anything for them, you trust them and you feel safe with them. So you would never think the unthinkable would you?
‘Are you telling me you're leaving me?’ I demanded, when he stopped me planning the next week’s shopping list. And that was that, a “rolling-down-the-hill” moment followed. Momentum gathering of way too many emotions for a person to deal with at once. That went on until 12.30am. I did not sleep, probably because he decided to sleep on the sofa instead of next to me in our bed. I did not stop crying, because what would I do without him? And I did not stop fighting, because he was my best friend.
Studies show that your brain registers the emotional pain of heartbreak in the same way as physical pain.
If this was a mutual agreement between us, I could take some comfort knowing we both did as much as we could. But he abandoned me, walked away, and I am the one left asking, what did I do? All you can think about is that person and you’re always wondering if maybe he’ll call, realise this was a big mistake and we can move on together as normal. You seek some hope.
That seed of hope sprouts every hour, thinking, this is just temporary, it'll all blow over. You refuse to tell people because your seed is telling you not too.
But, after a few days or so and after experiencing an out of body flight, reality kicks in.
And then what follows is the trigger of memories. The hurt when a certain song is playing, when you see a necklace bought for your birthday or the photos on the walls, taken of special occasions and holidays you shared. The post arriving with their name on it, the special seat only they sat in and the cereal in the cupboard only they loved. Each of those moments hitting you like a bolt of lightning to your heart. As each hour passes, you go through what I call the ‘’the emotional rollercoaster’’. Upset, turns to confusion and then sometimes anger too. Acting upon each emotion at a time. Tears falling one minute to throwing their possessions left behind, in a black bin bag.
The engagement ring was a completely different emotion in itself. Barely 13 months old. Still sparkling away looking so pretty. So innocent. What do I do with it? It used to symbolise love and trust, now after the break up it has no purpose, redundant and no goal.
Pull yourself together
But the only thing you know, deep down…. Is that moving on, has to happen! What has happened is no reflection on you at all. You are amazing and stronger than you think, in all aspects. Our brains are programmed to blank out what we want too. So use that amazing power. Finding yourself again is a great project. Focus on keeping busy and cherishing your time with those who make you smile. Every ending is just a new beginning.
You can not describe a broken heart after a break up.
Or can you?